I can't sleep tonight..my mind can't help but wander to that night 3 years ago when our little Jude made his grand entry into the world. My eyes fill with tears of thanksgiving, gratitiude and the emotion of the experience we went through that night. I don't mean to exagerate or make this into something it's not.I know that there are women with horrible, painful birth experiences that mine can't even compare to. My heart breaks for those parents who have lost a child. I have never had to suffer such trauma and grief. I can't even begin to imagine the pain.
I praise God for His mercy in our lives and I know that Jude is truly a gift of God to our family!
So, let me back up before Jude was even thought of. :) After we had Mireya and Silas, Michael had mentioned to me that he was feeling like maybe 2 children was the number for our family. I, of course was very sad to hear this as I had always hoped to have at least 4. My heart felt heavy. We agreed to pray about the number of children that was right for us, and I had resolved that whatever the answer was that I would trust God and His plan for our life. I never wanted to have a child without Michael and I being in total agreement and I always wanted us to both " want " a child and not have one because we felt like we 'Should".
I don't remember how long it was after we had talked, but I remember Michael announcing one day that he wanted one more baby. I was shocked to hear this, and of course wanted to know why the sudden change of heart and make sure he really wanted this and wasn't just trying to make me happy. He explained and assured me that he really wanted another baby and was ready to start planning.
I remember how excited I was when the two lines showed up on the pregnancy test! I think I have always had to take at least 3 tests to make sure I was reading them right :) Sure enough we were really going to have another baby!! Number 3 was on it's way!!!
We decided to go the home birth route once again as my last birth with Silas was such a wonderful experience and a smooth easy delivery. We figured number 3 would be a piece cake, so why not have baby at home? I began seeing our wonderful midwife whom we loved so much and I felt very happy with the care I recieved and the relationship I had with her. Towards the end of my pregnancy however I began to get very fearful and I cried a lot and worried that something was going to go wrong. I prayed and tried to give these fears to the Lord, but they wouldn't go away. I talked to Sue (my midwife) about how I was feeling and she told me that it was good to pay attention to how I felt and that it wasn't too late to go the hospital route if I wanted to. I told her that I really wanted to have a homebirth and I think I was just getting nervous about the last homebirth experience that I had gone through. I remember talking to people and really wondering when it was going to be my turn to have something bad happen to me or one of my children. I don't know why I was feeling these things, but for some reason I was thinking that surely my life is too perfect and I was just waiting for something to go wrong. What terrible thoughts! My due date came and went and still no baby...I was getting pretty large and starting to get very depressed that my little one wasn't coming. I tried everything, and I mean EVERYTHING to get my little guy out! I danced ( rather wildly at times!) did tons of squats, drove on bumpy roads, walked really fast, ate spicy foods, had my membranes stripped, tried to do different labor inducing pressure points, swam, tried different herbs and teas..nothing worked!!! We had chosen not to have an ultrasound at all this time as long as my pregnancy was normal and baby and I seemed healthy. I remember thinking that I was having a girl..I guess I was wrong! :)
September 14th on a Sunday afternoon I went in to see my midwife. I told her that I REALLY wanted this baby out and she decided to strip my membranes one more time, only this time she was going to be" mean" is how she put it! She was quite rough, but it did the trick! I started feeling contractions fairly soon afterwards, My Mother in law took me to the mall and we walked and walked. I was starting to feel a little cramping which was wonderful! Maybe I was actually going to have this baby!!! I came home and Michael and I walked the neighborhood several times. I was definately having stronger contractions, but I knew I still wasn't in active labor. At about 5:30 pm I knew that this was it...there was no turning back now! I was definately in labor. I called my midwife and called friends and family to let them know the news. My sister Hannah was already with us, so we knew that Mireya and Silas would be well cared for which was so comforting! I called Sue to let her know that I think her "trick" had worked, so she headed over to check on me. When she got to our house she watched me have a contraction and afterwards smile and talk to her and she said " I think you are still a little too happy" She told us to call her when things started getting a little more painful and intense. I think it was about 8:30 when Michael called her the next time. I felt like I must be getting close to transition. The surges were coming very close and they were very strong and hard. I sat on the ball moaning and rocking back and forth with my head on the side of our bed while Michael was rubbing my back and encouraging me. We did this for a long time...a very long time. My midwife filled up the birth pool as I really wanted to have a water birth. I got in the tub and she checked me to see how far I had come. I was only a 4. Needless to say I was so discouraged. How could I only be a 4? I continued to labor in the tub and I started to feel nauseous, dizzy and shaky. I knew that maybe finally I was in transition. I didn't know how much more of this I could take. Sue checked me once again in hopes that maybe we were close, but no I was just a 5. What???? I am only halfway there?????How is this possible? I felt like I wanted to die...I didn't want to do this any more. I don't even know what time it was. I lost track of all time. It was all I could do to make it through each contraction. Relax, relax, relax...I tried to tell myself, but my body was so tense and I was in so much pain that all I could do was lay on my side and curl up in a tight ball. My midwife tried to get me to squat on the ball, sit backwards on the toilet, get on hands and knees and in the shower to try to get baby to move and come down, but nothing seemed to work. My world was black..I couldn't even open my eyes. The pain was too much for me to bear..so intense. I had no break from my contractions. Sue would try to move me in between them and I would end up on the floor in a heap as they hit. I wanted someone to stop the pain and I called for someone to "Help me, Please just help me!" Poor Michael was the most amazing coach ever. He never gave up and stayed by my side except for a few breaks. I think he was beginning to go crazy and hated to see me in so much pain. I know that he felt helpless and won't talk about it to this day. All he can say is that he would rather die than have me go through that again.
They finally checked me again and I was finally at a 9! That was definately more of an encouraging number! Little did I know that I would be stuck at a 9 for hours..
I don't even know what time it was when I finally thought maybe I could push. I actually think I pushed too early..it seemed to feel just a little less painful to push with my contractions. My midwife encouraged me to listen to my body and do what I felt like it wanted to do. I really didn't know or care what my body wanted at that moment, all I knew is that I was exhausted and wanted to be out of pain. I began pushing and pushing and pushing...this little man just did not want to come out! Sue told me that she wanted me to move onto the floor onto my hands and knees to see if we could use gravity and a change in position to bring him down farther. I honestly don't remember much but I remember delivering his head and pushing with all my might. My midwife kept telling me to push, but he wasn't coming. They moved me, turned me, and tried everything in their power that they could and still he wouldn't come. I think God literally held me at this moment, because I can't even describe to you the pain and fear that I felt. It felt like my body was being ripped in half. I don't think I ever opened my eyes once...everything was dark and I felt like I was going to die, then I heard it.. " Call 9-1-1!! Someone call 9-1-1 now!! Now my heart felt like it was breaking..I felt all my dreams of holding my beautiful baby turn into a nightmare. All I remember is all I could do was scream and cry. Michael called 9-11 and I could hear him trembling and shaking as he spoke to them. " I don't know how old my wife is".. I , I don't know.."I heard him say. He couldn't answer their questions and could barely talk. My midwives were both Christians and they began crying out to God to save him. My sister and Mother in law left the room and began praying very hard. I talked to my cousin Jaymie later on and she said that she started praying really hard for me right around 5:30 which was the time he had gotten stuck. There was a battle taking place for his life that night but God heard and answered all of our prayers.
At 5:33 am Right before the emergency response team swarmed into our room, my midwives delivered our baby Jude. They immediatley layed his limp, blue body on my chest and at that moment I thought I truly had lost him. They told me " Talk to your baby!! Rub his back! Talk to him!! and they placed an oxygen mask over his face. I will never forget the moment he took his first breath and began crying!! Tears of relief, oh what relief!! My baby BOY was here and he was ALIVE!!! Praise you God!!
The Lord was so good to us! Mireya and Silas didn't wake up through all the screamimg, noise and firemen running up our steps. After baby Jude and I were all cleaned up and resting in bed, Mireya and Silas woke up and came in to meet their new little brother.
I remember laying in bed before my midwife left and crying. She told me that she was so sorry that this happened to me. Out of anyone it could have happened to, she couldn't believe that I went through this. I could tell that it had really shaken her pretty badly and she was on the verge of tears. It had been a very emotionally draining, difficult night for all of us involved. I told her that I had wanted to be a midwife before this happened, but that now I could never do that. I wanted nothing to do with birth ever again. I felt like my dreams died that night...something in my heart broke and I felt so weak and frail. Why did this happen to me? Why do I love homebirth, but have such terrible experiences with them? What if my baby would have died? I could never have forgiven myself if that had happened. I knew that I would never have another child. I was done..no way would I ever have another one.
When all was quiet Michael and I settled into our bed with our new miracle and we cried and cried together...I don't think either one of us has ever held each other so long and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. He was our miracle..Jude Matthias Wood. What a fitting name...Jude means "praise" and Matthias means "gift of God" He truly was a gift from the Lord to us and I know that God has amazing plans for his life.
I couldn't sleep for a week after he was born. I was very depressed and had an extremely hard time. So many thoughts and questions plagued my brain and my heart. Jude had a heart murmer when he was born, so we had to take him to the heart doctor. We were worried about his neck and his shoulders from the trauma that he endured, so we saw a chiropracter to make sure he was ok. He had lots of tests and checkups and this made me even more exhausted.
God has definately used his birth in many ways to shape me. I don't know what would have happened if I had decided to have Jude at the hospital...maybe none of this would have happened or maybe it would have been much worse. I have heard horror stories of babies with shoulder distocia born at the hospital and the doctors having to break the baby's collar bone and then be taken right away to a special childrens hospital without any contact with their Mother. God has done so much in my heart and life and I have learned to trust His sovereignty in all areas of our lives. Many of my questions have been answered and my heart has been healed. I don't know why hard things happen at times, but I do know that if we allow God to take our brokenness and our hard times and questions that He will use everything in our lives to shape us and help others.
I am blessed everyday by my little JuJu bug. He is such a little bubble of life! There is not a dull moment when he is around! :) and his big smile and bright eyes bring such a joy to my heart. He loves to sing and praise God...His life is a Prasie to God and we thank Him everyday for blessing us with such a precious gift~
I praise God for His mercy in our lives and I know that Jude is truly a gift of God to our family!
So, let me back up before Jude was even thought of. :) After we had Mireya and Silas, Michael had mentioned to me that he was feeling like maybe 2 children was the number for our family. I, of course was very sad to hear this as I had always hoped to have at least 4. My heart felt heavy. We agreed to pray about the number of children that was right for us, and I had resolved that whatever the answer was that I would trust God and His plan for our life. I never wanted to have a child without Michael and I being in total agreement and I always wanted us to both " want " a child and not have one because we felt like we 'Should".
I don't remember how long it was after we had talked, but I remember Michael announcing one day that he wanted one more baby. I was shocked to hear this, and of course wanted to know why the sudden change of heart and make sure he really wanted this and wasn't just trying to make me happy. He explained and assured me that he really wanted another baby and was ready to start planning.
I remember how excited I was when the two lines showed up on the pregnancy test! I think I have always had to take at least 3 tests to make sure I was reading them right :) Sure enough we were really going to have another baby!! Number 3 was on it's way!!!
We decided to go the home birth route once again as my last birth with Silas was such a wonderful experience and a smooth easy delivery. We figured number 3 would be a piece cake, so why not have baby at home? I began seeing our wonderful midwife whom we loved so much and I felt very happy with the care I recieved and the relationship I had with her. Towards the end of my pregnancy however I began to get very fearful and I cried a lot and worried that something was going to go wrong. I prayed and tried to give these fears to the Lord, but they wouldn't go away. I talked to Sue (my midwife) about how I was feeling and she told me that it was good to pay attention to how I felt and that it wasn't too late to go the hospital route if I wanted to. I told her that I really wanted to have a homebirth and I think I was just getting nervous about the last homebirth experience that I had gone through. I remember talking to people and really wondering when it was going to be my turn to have something bad happen to me or one of my children. I don't know why I was feeling these things, but for some reason I was thinking that surely my life is too perfect and I was just waiting for something to go wrong. What terrible thoughts! My due date came and went and still no baby...I was getting pretty large and starting to get very depressed that my little one wasn't coming. I tried everything, and I mean EVERYTHING to get my little guy out! I danced ( rather wildly at times!) did tons of squats, drove on bumpy roads, walked really fast, ate spicy foods, had my membranes stripped, tried to do different labor inducing pressure points, swam, tried different herbs and teas..nothing worked!!! We had chosen not to have an ultrasound at all this time as long as my pregnancy was normal and baby and I seemed healthy. I remember thinking that I was having a girl..I guess I was wrong! :)
September 14th on a Sunday afternoon I went in to see my midwife. I told her that I REALLY wanted this baby out and she decided to strip my membranes one more time, only this time she was going to be" mean" is how she put it! She was quite rough, but it did the trick! I started feeling contractions fairly soon afterwards, My Mother in law took me to the mall and we walked and walked. I was starting to feel a little cramping which was wonderful! Maybe I was actually going to have this baby!!! I came home and Michael and I walked the neighborhood several times. I was definately having stronger contractions, but I knew I still wasn't in active labor. At about 5:30 pm I knew that this was it...there was no turning back now! I was definately in labor. I called my midwife and called friends and family to let them know the news. My sister Hannah was already with us, so we knew that Mireya and Silas would be well cared for which was so comforting! I called Sue to let her know that I think her "trick" had worked, so she headed over to check on me. When she got to our house she watched me have a contraction and afterwards smile and talk to her and she said " I think you are still a little too happy" She told us to call her when things started getting a little more painful and intense. I think it was about 8:30 when Michael called her the next time. I felt like I must be getting close to transition. The surges were coming very close and they were very strong and hard. I sat on the ball moaning and rocking back and forth with my head on the side of our bed while Michael was rubbing my back and encouraging me. We did this for a long time...a very long time. My midwife filled up the birth pool as I really wanted to have a water birth. I got in the tub and she checked me to see how far I had come. I was only a 4. Needless to say I was so discouraged. How could I only be a 4? I continued to labor in the tub and I started to feel nauseous, dizzy and shaky. I knew that maybe finally I was in transition. I didn't know how much more of this I could take. Sue checked me once again in hopes that maybe we were close, but no I was just a 5. What???? I am only halfway there?????How is this possible? I felt like I wanted to die...I didn't want to do this any more. I don't even know what time it was. I lost track of all time. It was all I could do to make it through each contraction. Relax, relax, relax...I tried to tell myself, but my body was so tense and I was in so much pain that all I could do was lay on my side and curl up in a tight ball. My midwife tried to get me to squat on the ball, sit backwards on the toilet, get on hands and knees and in the shower to try to get baby to move and come down, but nothing seemed to work. My world was black..I couldn't even open my eyes. The pain was too much for me to bear..so intense. I had no break from my contractions. Sue would try to move me in between them and I would end up on the floor in a heap as they hit. I wanted someone to stop the pain and I called for someone to "Help me, Please just help me!" Poor Michael was the most amazing coach ever. He never gave up and stayed by my side except for a few breaks. I think he was beginning to go crazy and hated to see me in so much pain. I know that he felt helpless and won't talk about it to this day. All he can say is that he would rather die than have me go through that again.
They finally checked me again and I was finally at a 9! That was definately more of an encouraging number! Little did I know that I would be stuck at a 9 for hours..
I don't even know what time it was when I finally thought maybe I could push. I actually think I pushed too early..it seemed to feel just a little less painful to push with my contractions. My midwife encouraged me to listen to my body and do what I felt like it wanted to do. I really didn't know or care what my body wanted at that moment, all I knew is that I was exhausted and wanted to be out of pain. I began pushing and pushing and pushing...this little man just did not want to come out! Sue told me that she wanted me to move onto the floor onto my hands and knees to see if we could use gravity and a change in position to bring him down farther. I honestly don't remember much but I remember delivering his head and pushing with all my might. My midwife kept telling me to push, but he wasn't coming. They moved me, turned me, and tried everything in their power that they could and still he wouldn't come. I think God literally held me at this moment, because I can't even describe to you the pain and fear that I felt. It felt like my body was being ripped in half. I don't think I ever opened my eyes once...everything was dark and I felt like I was going to die, then I heard it.. " Call 9-1-1!! Someone call 9-1-1 now!! Now my heart felt like it was breaking..I felt all my dreams of holding my beautiful baby turn into a nightmare. All I remember is all I could do was scream and cry. Michael called 9-11 and I could hear him trembling and shaking as he spoke to them. " I don't know how old my wife is".. I , I don't know.."I heard him say. He couldn't answer their questions and could barely talk. My midwives were both Christians and they began crying out to God to save him. My sister and Mother in law left the room and began praying very hard. I talked to my cousin Jaymie later on and she said that she started praying really hard for me right around 5:30 which was the time he had gotten stuck. There was a battle taking place for his life that night but God heard and answered all of our prayers.
At 5:33 am Right before the emergency response team swarmed into our room, my midwives delivered our baby Jude. They immediatley layed his limp, blue body on my chest and at that moment I thought I truly had lost him. They told me " Talk to your baby!! Rub his back! Talk to him!! and they placed an oxygen mask over his face. I will never forget the moment he took his first breath and began crying!! Tears of relief, oh what relief!! My baby BOY was here and he was ALIVE!!! Praise you God!!
The Lord was so good to us! Mireya and Silas didn't wake up through all the screamimg, noise and firemen running up our steps. After baby Jude and I were all cleaned up and resting in bed, Mireya and Silas woke up and came in to meet their new little brother.
I remember laying in bed before my midwife left and crying. She told me that she was so sorry that this happened to me. Out of anyone it could have happened to, she couldn't believe that I went through this. I could tell that it had really shaken her pretty badly and she was on the verge of tears. It had been a very emotionally draining, difficult night for all of us involved. I told her that I had wanted to be a midwife before this happened, but that now I could never do that. I wanted nothing to do with birth ever again. I felt like my dreams died that night...something in my heart broke and I felt so weak and frail. Why did this happen to me? Why do I love homebirth, but have such terrible experiences with them? What if my baby would have died? I could never have forgiven myself if that had happened. I knew that I would never have another child. I was done..no way would I ever have another one.
When all was quiet Michael and I settled into our bed with our new miracle and we cried and cried together...I don't think either one of us has ever held each other so long and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. He was our miracle..Jude Matthias Wood. What a fitting name...Jude means "praise" and Matthias means "gift of God" He truly was a gift from the Lord to us and I know that God has amazing plans for his life.
I couldn't sleep for a week after he was born. I was very depressed and had an extremely hard time. So many thoughts and questions plagued my brain and my heart. Jude had a heart murmer when he was born, so we had to take him to the heart doctor. We were worried about his neck and his shoulders from the trauma that he endured, so we saw a chiropracter to make sure he was ok. He had lots of tests and checkups and this made me even more exhausted.
God has definately used his birth in many ways to shape me. I don't know what would have happened if I had decided to have Jude at the hospital...maybe none of this would have happened or maybe it would have been much worse. I have heard horror stories of babies with shoulder distocia born at the hospital and the doctors having to break the baby's collar bone and then be taken right away to a special childrens hospital without any contact with their Mother. God has done so much in my heart and life and I have learned to trust His sovereignty in all areas of our lives. Many of my questions have been answered and my heart has been healed. I don't know why hard things happen at times, but I do know that if we allow God to take our brokenness and our hard times and questions that He will use everything in our lives to shape us and help others.
I am blessed everyday by my little JuJu bug. He is such a little bubble of life! There is not a dull moment when he is around! :) and his big smile and bright eyes bring such a joy to my heart. He loves to sing and praise God...His life is a Prasie to God and we thank Him everyday for blessing us with such a precious gift~
Wow... such a miracle. Jude is such a little bundle of joy and love. :) Thanks for sharing, Angie!
ReplyDeleteLove ya!
Mikailah~
Angela, I am just crying, thank you so much for sharing- I had never heard your birth story with Jude and I am just crying and overwhelmed at God's protection over your life and Jude's! What a miracle he is, beautiful and precious..... God is so faithful!
ReplyDeleteI couldn't read this with dry eyes...What can I say but I am so thankful for you and Jude! God has an amazing plan for him!
ReplyDelete